Fear

I love being married to Ryan. At the end of any given day, usually when I just finished nursing at some point in the middle of the night, I look at Ryan and my heart is filled with so much love. I go to sleep so content and happy, because I have eternity to spend with the man of my dreams. Once I found him, I understood what people meant when they were finally "complete". He really does complete me.

But, with something so wonderful, there is a risk. There is the risk that you might lose it. I have mentioned before that one of my biggest fears is losing Ryan, that he will die early and leave me here. I know that my biggest fear should be spiritual death. That something could happen that would jeopardize our plans for a forever marriage. But my thoughts always drift to losing Ryan physically. And now that I have a little boy in my life that has filled my heart with so much love, I now have another precious relationship that I could lose.

Awful scenarios fill my mind, almost daily, of something terrible happening. Most of them are silly. A car accident, health problems, a break-in, etc. At times, these worries consume me to the point of distraction. I can't sleep, I cry - I am angry with how much I love these two people that now I am terrified I will lose them.

When my cousin realized my nightmare, I was very upset. With such an accident hitting so close to home, my fears were realized as they could "happen to anyone".

I am ashamed to admit all of this, because I know that it says a lot about me. It shows that I have little faith, that physical danger is more haunting to me right now than spiritual danger, and that I am certainly not giving this burden to Heavenly Father as I should.

Anyway, I was reading The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom for a book club when I came across a passage that really hit me. Corrie is a young girl and earlier in the day, saw a baby who had just died. This then makes her realize that if this baby can die, then so can her sister, mother, and father. Here is the passage:

"Now I knew that it could really happen--if to the baby then to Mama, to Father, to Betsie! Still shivering with that cold, I followed Nollie up to our room and crept into bed beside her. At last we heard Father's footsteps winding up the stairs. It was the best moment in every day, when he came up to tuck us in. We never fell asleep until he had arranged the blankets in his special way and laid his hand for a moment on each head. Then we tried not to move even a toe."

"But that night as he stepped through the door I burst into tears. 'I need you!' I sobbed. 'You can't die! You can't!' Beside me on the bed Nollie sat up. 'We went to see Mrs. Hoog,' she explained. 'Corrie didn't eat her supper or anything.' Father sat down on the edge of the narrow bed. 'Corrie,' he began gently, 'when you and I go to Amsterdam--when do I give you your ticket?' I sniffed a few times, considering this. 'Why, just before we get on the train.' 'Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need--just in time.'"